Just thoughts

Since getting pregnant, I have realized that my alone time with Oliver is limited now, which has actually been a big pill to swallow. It's been more emotional for me than I thought it would. I feel like I have these moments with him now that I will look back and just totally cherish. I mean seriously, I am in love with this kid. And I am not going to say the classic, 'how can I have room in my heart for one more when I already love him as much as I do". I've never thought that made sense because how can you not have endless room in your heart to love just about everyone. I know I'll love the next just as much and my love for Ollie will be the same as it was.

I just enjoy being two peas in a pod right now. Like we go on these dates together, to the bakery to get a muffin and cocoa, bowling, I mean literally anywhere I go, he comes. My favorite are our almost daily naps together, that kid is a snuggler. Seriously, he gets his arm wedged under my neck and then throws his other arm around me so I am fully encompassed. Priceless. I am more grateful than ever now to have not gotten pregnant any sooner than I did. I needed this time with Ollie, and just him. The timing feels utterly perfect. I even remember thinking in August, oh we should really start thinking of getting pregnant again and I went back and forth. It really just didn't feel right. Weird that just 4 months later it did, but that's the way it goes I guess.

I think part of me felt obligated to start trying, because Ollie was getting a little older and the spacing was getting a little wider. Since in the LDS culture, families have babies close together, it just gets expected. Like I swear, you're child hits 1 and everyone is like, when's the next one on the way? I know some of you hear me on this. And I think if that is what you want and you feel good about, you should absolutely do what makes you and your family happy. And at the same time, if it's not, that's ok too. I think it's mostly about breaking down that expected standard and realizing everyone is on their own timeline. I mean I've heard people say, well close spacing is the only way to go, and guess what, their family was spaced super close. And then I hear someone say, no you have to spread them out because their children were all spread out. So really, people just tell you what they know, and then you have to figure out for yourself what you know.

I love being a mom because no one gets to call the shots but me (and Ryan and the Lord) but really, I was trusted with these babies, they were sent specifically to me from heaven for a reason. I get to be their mom. Ryan and I always talk about how different being a mom is than a dad. Being a mom is like giving out pieces of your heart so that you always are thinking of your children, whether with you or not. Dad's can sort of get away with a little less. Their attachment isn't quite as consuming. Sometimes I have these conversations with God about being a mom. I feel like I've been given a specific calling just for me from him. Like he's saying, ok I'm trusting you with Oliver because he needs you specifically, with any one else, it wouldn't work. Only you can be the mom he needs. When Ryan and I were dating, I use to feel like our kids were watching us, willing us together, just waiting for their chance to join us. I really do remember those moments. Wow, I had never felt anything like that.

So even though Ollie and the next will be about 2 1/2 years apart, it wasn't really about planning, it was about what was right; it could have been a year or 4, but this was the time for this little spirit to join our family and I'm grateful for it. Until then, I look forward to every moment with my little man and hope that in about 6 months he will be ready to be a big brother and I'll be deserving of yet another gift from heaven.